Earthy Family Calm in Chaos

I think I’d do it just the same…

Coming down the stairs after a mid-day nap with my 13-month-old son, I had a bird’s-eye view of the living room and realized what a truly disastrous state it was in. I took a breath, continued on to the kitchen and proceeded to trip into a sinkhole of despair. The kitchen made the living room look neat and tidy.

I had the sudden realization that our house was not only a little untidy – it was messy! Blocks and giant legos and books and coasters and wooden spoons and a broom littered the living room floor, but that was rather uncluttered compared to the dishes stacked on the kitchen cupboards, the boots and shoes surrounding the kitchen door and the coats and hats and scarves and mittens and diaper bag and papers – pounds of papers - completely covering the top of the kitchen table. The kitchen floor was littered with puffed cereal and rice and stuff. The living room hadn’t been vacuumed in ages and had a textured look (owing not to the carpet fibers themselves). I wondered bleakly how three ordinary people could make such a mess – and how do bigger families survive?

And in that moment of realization and despair, I immediately shifted from relaxed, happy, just-got-up-from-a-nap-mommy to grumpy, I-live-in-a-pigsty-and-something-needs-to-be-done-about-it-immediately, roaring woman. It wasn’t pleasant – for anyone. I put my darling babe down to play, started in on the kitchen with a vengeance and turned on my partner. Relaxed and understanding person that he is, he calmly reminded me that he really did put a lot of energy into the household and that he was entitled to a break every now and then, too. OK, deep breath, count to three – darn it! He’s right! Now I’m grumpy, guilty-feeling woman. Our son watched me from his father’s arms with a look of wide-eyed wonder. Where did happy mommy go and who is this cranky woman that looks like her? Immediate remorse.

And yet…the house was still a mess and I couldn’t stand it. I battled with myself - would I rather have a spic-and-span house and miss those mid-day naps together? Definitely not. But could I live in the pig-sty another moment? Definitely not. Something had to give and briefly it was my sanity as I stared around in horror.

Prior to having Terran, our home base was no model for housekeeping, but we didn’t spend nearly as much time there, either. We were living the perfect, double-income-no-kids lifestyle in our trendy downtown loft. And between work, sports, volunteering, going out with friends and going out with each other, my partner and I spent much of our time away from the loft. I actually spent far more of my waking hours in my office than in our house.

But with the decision to have a baby came the decision to give up our inner-city loft and buy a 2-bedroom house a fashionable distance from the downtown core. Our new place is still quite small, but a lot bigger than a one-room loft and infinitely more difficult to keep clean. The decision to quit my job to stay home with Terran means I now spend the majority of my waking hours in this new hard-to-keep-clean house.

And, in the moment that I stared at the house in total disarray, I felt it wasn't acceptable to spend the majority of one’s days in such mess. I craved order and cleanliness, or at least the ability to walk through my kitchen without getting cereal stuck to my feet. After making amends with my family, we managed, if not to get the house clean, at least to make it resemble tidy. I looked around again and thought – I can live with this.

Over the last couple of weeks it’s something I've put a lot of thought into it: what is the balance between parenting the way I want to – spending maximum time with my child, playing with him, listening to him, involving him in all I do, encouraging creativity and free play, free expression and space to be a child - and living in a space that is a calm, comfortable environment for the whole family. Our house seemed constantly messy, but our lives seemed pretty full, so I slipped into a state of surrender – until we had friends over to dinner.

It had been a fairly busy day, so when they arrived, we hadn't vacuumed, the dishwasher was full and there was a vague feeling of disorder. As we cooked, the dishes piled up around us and the kids were tearing through the house leaving chaos in their wake. We chatted, cooked, ate and had a good time until after dinner, I looked about once more and shook my head with some embarrassment. Our house was a disaster, and worse than the discomfort of a few weeks before, this time other people were there to witness it.

I got a bit flustered and embarrassed and started to apologize for the state of the place. And then I remembered something Erma Bombeck had once written about “if I had it to do over”, and I realized I didn’t want to live with regrets over this time of my life.

In that moment I relaxed, leaned back and truly enjoyed my friends and family – the dishes would get done eventually and the toys would be put away someday. Besides, if our friends really cared about the state of cleanliness, they wouldn’t keep coming to our house, and truly, would I want them there if they did care?

When our company left, we all had fun putting the house back together. We did the dishes and put away the toys in just a few minutes working all together and woke to a clean house the next morning, with the memories of our good time the night before. I may not be able to keep up with the standards of housekeeping that the generation before me had, but hopefully I won’t have the regrets they had, either. I want to look back and say, “if I had it to do all over again, I think I’d do it just the same”.

If I Had My Life To Do Over
-Erma Bombeck

I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television -- and more while watching life.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle. When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love yous", more "I'm sorrys" ... but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it ... live it...and never give it back.

Calm Among the Chaos

by Tabitha Tucker