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This
essay was originally printed in Loving Mama: Essays on Natural
Parenting and Mothering, Edited by Tiffany Palisi (Hats Off
Books)
The Baby Is the Book
On a recent Internet radio show I emphasized
that babies are the true experts on parenting. I added that
I often ask new parents if they wish they had an expert living
with them to help them to figure out what to do next. I told
the radio audience to "Just look to the baby. If you're
doing something wrong, the baby will tell you. If you're doing
something right, the baby will tell you that, too. Babies
know exactly what they need."
The interviewer neatly summed up these thoughts
by adding, "People say the baby doesn't come with a book,
but they do... the baby is the book!"
Exactly. It is the baby – and only the baby –
who knows just what she needs. She will give us immediate
feedback on everything we do. A baby will tell us with frowns
and tears when a legitimate need is not being met, and with
bright smiles and cuddles when we meet her needs in a loving
way. If parents can recognize and embrace this concept, parenting
can be much simpler and more joyful than when the baby's communications
are mistrusted and questioned.
Babies, programmed by nature, know instinctively
what good parenting looks like. They know, for example, that
touch is a need every bit as critical as feeding. They will
protest loudly if we put them in the isolation of a crib to
sleep, but will fall asleep peacefully when they have the
security of human touch. They know that responsive parenting
enhances trust and bonding – and they will respond with
anguish and fear when we ignore their cries. They know that
breastfeeding offers critical immunization, nutrition, and
comfort; and will instinctively move to the breast on their
own, just moments after birth. They know that breast milk
changes in consistency in accordance with their age, and will
wean naturally when their nursing needs are no longer fully
met. They know they are dependent on others for their very
survival, and will react with terror if they cannot see us
for even a short time. They know all of these things and more.
Parents would be wise to learn from their babies instead of
assuming that babies are always learning from them.
Babies know many important things. What they
can't know is that parents often receive harmful advice to
ignore their babies' communications and to disregard their
critical needs. This is a dangerous experiment, and every
newspaper we read describes the long-term results of not giving
children a compassionate start in life.
A baby needs what she needs, and if we meet
those needs, she will thrive. This isn't "spoiling"
– it is trusting that the baby is giving us important
information about her legitimate needs, as well as trusting
our own natural instincts to want to respond to those needs.
Trusting our baby and trusting ourselves, we establish a close
bond and give our baby her best chance for a healthy and happy
life.
The solution is so simple and right in front
of our eyes. Instead of trying to teach babies to accept parenting
behaviors that are alien to their very nature, we need only
allow them to teach us how to respond to their honest communication.
They have so much to tell us, and they are the world's most
diligent and energetic teachers.
The baby is the book. Read it – you won't be able to put it down!
Jan Hunt, M.Sc., is a child psychologist, Director of The Natural Child Project www.naturalchild.org,
and the author of the parenting book The Natural Child and a new children's picture book, A Gift for Baby. Jan offers parenting and homeschooling counseling worldwide. To request counseling or to order her books, visit jan@naturalchild.org.
"Perfect Pregnancy and Beyond,” Interview with Leslie Malicote,
www.wsradio.ws, June 27, 2002._ Kirschner, Jan and Tracy.
The Little Goo-roo: Lessons from Your Baby. Boulder, CO: Atlas
Press, 1997.
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